| I suppose all of you think this is very funny. Don't imagine that I haven't heard you. Don't think that I don't know. My only consolation is that I will be gone in the morning and that I shall never return.
My office--former office--has been emptied. Everything is in order. I have finally discharged every obligation, and I will tell you this: it wasn't worth it. What use is the Order of Merlin at this point? | comments: 21 comments or Leave a comment   |
| | Headmaster, I should like to request a private audience with you. At your earliest convenience. | | comments: 12 comments or Leave a comment |
| It may be true, Lovegood, that many of your classmates are too incompetent to operate a knife and fork, much less properly utilise extract of leelander rib. However, that is no reason for you to get a swelled head.
You should know, also, that wishing others luck is generally an exercise in futility. Fools will remain fools, and no amount of persuasion or good wishes can alter that. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Mister Malfoy:
I was prepared to take fifty points from Slytherin in consequence of the fact that you chose to blatantly ignore the day's lesson in favour of writing a letter.
However, I can hardly justify handicapping my own house simply because one of its members behaved in a wholly inappropriate manner. Therefore, I have decided instead upon a different course of action.
You will serve detention with me every Saturday for the rest of the year. I hope your heart was not set on Hogsmeade visits. | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| If I am not mistaken--and I am not--two Hufflepuffs are currently having some sort of childish brawl right outside my Potions classroom. I cannot be bothered to get up and separate the two of them, for I am marking third-year essays, but I will be most put out if the imbeciles bleed all over the hallway. Fifty points from Hufflepuff for each duelling simpleton, and I am instructing Poppy not to regrow any knocked-out teeth.
If your behaviour continues, Finch-Fletchley, it will be physically impossible for me to assign you more detention. After all, there are only 24 hours in a day. Happily, though, I am able to detain you and the Smith boy this weekend while all your classmates are having a pleasant time in Hogsmeade.
Do arrive early, both of you. You will scour the storerooms together, for a start. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Mister Finch-Fletchley. Are you or are you not aware that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is a live-in institution?
Students reside there during school terms. They do not leave the grounds and throw themselves into harm's way, especially when they are weak, defenceless and useless above the average.
If you deign to return to this school at some point in the future, be advised that you'll have a week of detention with me in lieu of supper in the Great Hall.
Consider it my way of welcoming you back. | | comments: 35 comments or Leave a comment |
| Longbottom. It has regrettably come to my attention that you wish to occupy even more of my valuable time and energy than the usual amount you squander during Potions. I can only hold my breath in anticipation of your insightful and well-reasoned questions.
Weasley. And yes, I realise that there is such an overabundance of your relatives that I shall have to specify. Eldest Weasley. I remain uncertain as to why Minerva McGonagall has, of late, received a large bouquet of flowers and a serenade from a cherub. Do advise me. | | comments: 11 comments or Leave a comment |
| An Open Letter to the Students of Hogwarts.
It strikes me that if you were as organised about studying as you obviously were about protesting a pointless sport, there would be no wizarding crisis whatsoever. | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| To my students,
I cannot help but feel as though my final project for this term involved the brewing of a self-pity potion. My book sits on my breakfast table coughing feebly with every new record of teenaged doubt and misguided passion. I fear it will soon expire.
Actually, never mind. I can only hope the thing dies as quickly as possible.
Policy change: I am now openly endorsing a flood of self-indulgent moaning and whinging, in the hopes that my journal will explode and rid me of the responsibility of reading the worst of the human condition.
That reminds me - Miss Granger, I have an assignment for you. | | comments: 42 comments or Leave a comment |
| Miss Parkinson, I am very sorry.
At this point you are no doubt entertaining thoughts of revenge. I encourage you to come see me; I can be of some use to you in this matter, if you are interested. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| Miss Hermione Granger, a word on your final essay.
Miss Cho Chang, the same.
Mister Weasley the Remaining, the same.
Other than these three, the essays ranged from mediocre to dismal. Another year of maintaining the upstanding reputation of the school has obviously come and gone.
Lucius, I have filed the formal paperwork with the Ministry. Your wife has been kind enough to agree to add her name to the protest as soon as she returns from holidays. With the school year over, I may devote myself to the duties I have neglected as of late.
Mister Weasley the Bill, you are a waste of oxygen. | | comments: 25 comments or Leave a comment |
| Madame Pomfrey, you will kindly not interefere with Mr. Finch-Fletchley in the one area of his life in which he may expect a modicum of achievement.
Mr. Malfoy, you will kindly not throw emotional fits in a public forum. If you must toss your feather boa, you will come to my office and speak to me personally. I will not have you mincing about the school shrieking your grievances with your boa trailing behind you.
Xiomara, I would speak to you when you have a moment.
Ten points from all Houses for being a lot of insufferable, navel-gazing syncophants.
For Gryffindor, which has no further points to lose: You may instead choose one of your number to come to my offices tomorrow and be assigned a task at my discretion. | | comments: 27 comments or Leave a comment |
| Mister Malfoy, detention this evening at 8.
Mister Potter, remedial potions at 10.
Mister Weasley the Elder, I am free after 2 AM. | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| Congratulations, Mister Potter. You get to ruin what was, for me, an otherwise enjoyable day. Aren't you special.
Remedial Potions, at once. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| I am back.
Bill, may I see you in the Potions classroom if you have a moment?
It's school business.
And Mister Malfoy, you have yet to appear. I am surprised. Shall I start taking House points? | | comments: 37 comments or Leave a comment |
| Remus Lupin, you are an idiot and a fool.
Mister Potter, a pre-emptive ten points for whatever slings and arrows you attempt to hurl at me.
Lupin, when you are well enough to walk, you're welcome to insult me about this in person.
In the meantime, I am owling you a package of herbs that smells truly foul. Mix it in goat's milk and drink it twice a day.
What were you thinking? | | comments: 11 comments or Leave a comment |
| I am ashamed of all of you.
However, you have so efficiently punished yourselves that I can think of no way to exacerbate your communal regret and self-loathing.
Congratulations. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Miss Granger, you have been assigned three evening detentions for becoming romantically attached to someone who should be epically below your standards.
And two evening detentions for having the utter lack of tact to do so in the library during school hours.
I will see you in the Potions classroom at 7 this evening. | | comments: 30 comments or Leave a comment |
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